{Underneath the Stars.

Friday, April 01, 2005

8:40 AM

' But I'm trying as hard as I can dammit.
I'm trying as hard as

Other people. Other people interest me. How they manage.
There are several possibilities.

1. They are just as confused as me but they aren't letting on.

2. They don't know they don't know what the point is.

3. They don't understand they don't know what the point is.

4. They don't mind they don't know what the point is.

5. They don't even know there are any questions.

The first is too paranoid. Paranoia is a joke. I will not be a joke.
Rejected on the ground of unpalatability.
The second unlikely: it rests on the unpleasant assumption that other people can't work out what I can work out.
Since modesty is a becoming trait in a woman, I reject the second.
The third is interesting and enviable but gets things no further forward.
One can hardly unknow something, i.e I am in no position to alter the facts.
The fifth makes me lonely and is rejected on the same modesty clause as postulation 2 (see above).
This leaves me with the fourth.

The difference is minding. I mind the resultant moral dilemma of having no answers.
I never forget the fucking questions. They're always there, accusing me of having no answers yet.
If there are no answers there is no point: a terror of absurdity.
Logic will force me to do things where desire hasn't a chance. Which leads us to

There is no point, ergo ...'

'Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. But the lightbulb must really want to change.'

' I will Take Advice and Try Harder.

Persistence is the Only Thing that Works.

The More Something Hurts, the More it can Teach Me.

.....

' It's OK to have Bad Days.

You Can't Make Other People Love You Into Existence.

Everything Worth Having is Hard as Nails. '

' I can't remember the last week with any clarity.

I want to be able to remember it because it was the last time

anything was in any way unremarkable.

Eating and drinking routinely, sleeping when I wanted to.

It would be nice to remember but I don't.

Now I remember everything all the time.

You never know what you might need to recollect later,

when the significance of the moment might appear.

They never give you any warning.

They never give you any warning.'

'The Trick is to Keep Breathing' by Janice Galloway